How To Be A GODLY Wife (Series): In Closing....10 Rules For A Happy Marriage

This has been such a fun series. In my research, I have learned some things about being a godly wife. And yes, even I had to repent of some things myself. As this series draws to a close, I pray that there has been something written that will help you, my friend, in your quest of becoming or being the godly wife that God has called you to be. Our roles are important - don't ever think they aren't. God created us with purpose to be that one our husbands can count on when they can't count on anyone else. Don't abuse that trust and position. If your husband is stumbling, make sure you aren't the block that sits in his way, but the steady hand that helps him gain his footing.

With that said, I would like to close with this list of 10 things to do in marriage. I found this while searching around on the web, and it's biblically based. I think these 10 things are wonderful rules to live by. I haven't vetted the whole site, but these 10 things I have and they get two thumbs up from me.

I pray that God leads, guides, and blesses each of you in the roles you play in your family and to your men tremendously....

Love,

Deidra

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TEN BIBLICAL RULES FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE  

♣

Never bring up mistakes of the past. Stop criticizing others or it will come back on you. If you forgive others, you will be forgiven.

(Luke 6:37)

Neglect the whole world rather than each other. And how do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul in the process?

(Mark 8:36)

Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled. And don’t sin by letting anger gain control over you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry.

(Ephesians 4:26)

At least once a day, try to say something complimentary to your spouse. Gentle words bring life and health; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.

(Proverbs 15:4)

Never meet without an affectionate welcome. Kiss me again and  again, your love is sweeter than wine.

(Song of Solomon 1:2)

“For richer or poorer” – rejoice in every moment that God has given you together. A bowl of soup with someone you love is better than steak with someone you hate.

(Proverbs 15:17)

If you have a choice between making yourself or your mate look good, choose your mate. Do not withhold good from those who deserve it when it’s in your power to help them.

(Proverbs 3:27)

If they’re breathing, your mate will eventually offend you. Learn to forgive. I am warning you, if another believer sins, rebuke him; then if he repents, forgive him. Even if he wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, forgive him.

(Luke 17:3,4)

Don’t use faith, the Bible, or God as a hammer. God did not send His Son into the world to condemn it, but to save it.

(John 3:17)

Let love be your guidepost. Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged.

(1 Corinthians 13:4,5)

-Taken from Journey Of Soul And Spirit

How To Be A GODLY Wife (Series): Don't Be A Drip

Colossians 4:6
New Living Translation (NLT)
6 Let your conversation be gracious and attractive[a] so that you will have the right response for everyone.







Drip….drip….drip……

UGH, that is THE most annoying sound ever. Especially if it’s at night and everything is quiet. No

matter how hard you try and block it out, it’s there. That noise….nothing will stop the noise. No amount of ear blockage…no matter how far away you go to your “happy place”, it’s there. Go to another room…and for some reason, you hear it. And even when you think it has stopped, the dripping has gotten slower, you STILL hear it in your head…..

Welcome to the world of men with a nagging wife. Ladies, let me tell you som’. There is NOTHING more nerve wrecking than a nagging wife. I’M not even a man and I HATE to see a wife nag their husband. It gets my goat.

Let’s look at what King Solomon said:

Proverbs 21:9
New Living Translation (NLT)
9 It’s better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home.

Proverbs 27:15
New Living Translation (NLT)
15 A quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping on a rainy day.

Proverbs 21:19
New Living Translation (NLT)
19 It’s better to live alone in the desert than with a quarrelsome, complaining wife.

Proverbs 25:24
New Living Translation (NLT)
24 It’s better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home.

Proverbs 19:13
New Living Translation (NLT)
13 A foolish child[a] is a calamity to a father; a quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping.

There is no faster way to get your husband to put you on mute than you nagging in his ear. I mean, really – there is no faster way, that I know of anyway.

Ma'am he does not hear you.

The word says that a man would rather live in a desert….think about that. You ever been to the beach on a 90+ degree day? Remember how icky it felt being both sweaty and sandy? Your excessive thirst? Sun burn and constant fanning? I don’t know about you, but as much as I like hot weather, I would be MISERABLE. And there’s water to cool off in near by! Now, the word says a man would rather live ….no scratch that…it is BETTER to live in a desert ALONE – not the beach…but the desert…than to have a nagging wife. OUCH!

The word says it is better to live in the corner of an attic than to live with a nagging wife. Sheesh…the word is telling this man, forget the house that you contribute to. Forget the luxuries of a toilet, kitchen, sitting comfortably in your couch – go live in the attic. And not just the attic, but the CORNER where the cob webs are and live there rather than live with that nagging woman you married.

Yes, that’s how much God is annoyed with a nagging wife – that He would inspired those words to have men steer clear of women like that. How does that make you as a nagging “Christian” wife feel? That the God we serve is SO annoyed with you that He would inspire those words and instructions?

“But, Deidra, if only he would do what I said the first time”

Well, hold on Eve Delilah Jr. (Some of y'all will catch that name, others need to do a lil more bible study). If we look at our history, that’s what got us in trouble in the first place – telling a man what to do. Now, I am not saying we don’t have a voice – but you have to remember, there is a spirit behind controlling and manipulating women. It’s as real as the sun is bright. And that spirit causes serious destruction in a marriage.

So, what do you do? Glad you asked.

We LOVE them.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7
New Living Translation (NLT) 

4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

We live HOLY before them.

1 Peter 3:1-2
New Living Translation (NLT) 

Wives
3 In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over by observing your pure and reverent lives.

We learn WISDOM on when to speak.

Ecclesiastes 10:12
English Standard Version (ESV) 

12 The words of a wise man's mouth win him favor, but the lips of a fool consume him.

Proverbs 12:25
English Standard Version (ESV) 

25 Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad.

Ephesians 4:29
English Standard Version (ESV) 

29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Ecclesiastes 5:2
English Standard Version (ESV) 

2 Be not rash with your mouth, nor let your heart be hasty to utter a word before God, for God is in heaven and you are on earth. Therefore let your words be few.

That’s it. You want something done, ask…be quiet. Then use wisdom on how to ask – not demand and demean – again. You would be surprised at how wonderfully this works. How much peace it brings to your home. I don’t know if my husband ever would consider me a nagger. I would hope not. I have learned the art of asking and being quiet. He often surprises me with “Hey, I haven’t forgotten about….I plan to get on it as soon as….”. I have found that my requests aren’t forgotten, they just aren’t in good timing. And I have come to accept that. I mean really – half the stuff I ask about aren’t deal breakers, you know? It’s really not that serious.

So, ladies, give the men a break. Don’t be that dripping faucet. Don’t be that nagging rain drop. Don’t make your husband wish he lived in the attic in a corner instead of at home with you. How awful that would be to know that your husband would rather live away from you, than in peace WITH you.

Let’s discuss!

How To Be A GODLY Wife (Series): "Wife" Not A "Whore"

1 Corinthians 7:1-5
New Living Translation (NLT)
Instruction on Marriage
7 Now regarding the questions you asked in your letter. Yes, it is good to abstain from sexual relations.[a] 2 But because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband.3 The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. 4 The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.5 Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Wow, what a title hunh? Can a woman be a whore (hoe/prostitute) within marriage? Most certainly so! How can that be? Well, let’s first look up the definition of “whore/hoe/prostitute” both in a secular dictionary and then in the bible….

Prostitute:
 noun
a person, typically a woman, who engages in sexual activity for payment.
synonyms: call girl, whore;
verb
offer (someone, typically a woman) for sexual activity in exchange for payment.


I. Bible definition: Whore/Harlot to commit fornication, be a harlot, play the harlot
A. (Qal)
i. to be a harlot, act as a harlot, commit fornication
ii. to commit adultery
iii. to be a cult prostitute
iv. to be unfaithful (to God) (fig.)
B. (Pual) to play the harlot
C. (Hiphil)
 . to cause to commit adultery
i. to force into prostitution
ii. to commit fornication

The main theme here is that this person that engages in this activity TRADES one love for another – sex for whether it be money, favors, etc. Sometimes, we as wives can fall into this category. How? Glad you asked.

One thing that a woman is good at is manipulation. We learn it early in life. We learn how to flirt, how to change behavior to get what we want, how to whine to get our way. Look at any young girl that knows how to manipulate their father – we call it “wrapping him around her finger” or “pulling his heart strings” – but it’s really manipulation. We learn the art of it and we learn it well. Then, when we discover our sexuality, that’s just more ammo for our arsenal. We learn manipulation and we perfect it so much so, that after a while, it becomes second nature and we don’t even realize that we’re batting our eyes to get out of that ticket.

Fast forward to marriage and sex. The word of God says:

4 The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Do you see that? Do NOT deprive each other unless you both agree for a LIMITED time so that you can devote yourself to prayer. Sometimes we give our husbands the cold shoulder – especially if we are angry. Because we have learned manipulation, we have also learned how to use our sex for a commodity or something we want, and not necessarily to show love and affection toward our husband. Sometimes we do have genuine reasons, but often times, it’s a manipulation tactic we use. Something didn’t get done around the house, and you’ve asked him several times? No sex.  He told you “no” to something and it made you mad? No sex. Argument? Yep, no sex for you, buddy!

This behavior according to the word of God and laws of marriage is sin. And this sin can cause a serious rift in the marriage. Why? Because, “holding out” on your husband can cause the feelings of rejection for men, and will cause bitterness and unforgiveness in you. The enemy will use those feelings to “tempt you because of your lack of self-control”. That is a huge and full statement. Let’s break that down a bit.

When we decide to hold out, we enable the enemy to cause havoc in our marriage. We give him that open door, lay out the welcome mat. We give him permission to enter our marriages. The Lord told Cain way back in Genesis 4:5-7, that he must learn to control his emotions because if he didn’t, the enemy would be waiting for a chance to pounce him. The same applies here. Harboring bitterness, giving your husband the cold shoulder allows the enemy to come in with no invitation.

Temptation. Our minds wander – it has been reported that men often think about sex more than women, but that also means that yes, we too think about sex. Our thoughts often dictate our actions. Now, we know this scenario can go either way:

Thoughts + Hormones + Lack of attention from spouse + Attention of the cute person we see + Lack of self-control + Temptation = Disaster = Adultery = possibility of hell and divorce 

WHOAH! Didn’t think it through that far did you? Well yes. The word declares that adulterers will be JUDGED and that is NOT a good thing (Hebrews 13:4 KJV). Let that sink in a bit…….

So now do you understand that loaded statement and the admonishment of not “holding out”? To do so can cause a chain reaction of events that you had no intention of ever getting into. It’s kind of like those Time Warner commercials:

When you refuse sex with your husband either of you find love somewhere else. When you find love somewhere else you commit adultery. When you commit adultery you are sentenced to hell. Don’t sentence yourselves to hell. Have sex with your husband.

Avoid This

That made me chuckle a bit, but it’s true. We do more damage both to our marriages and soul when we choose to disobey the command given to us as wives in our marriage. Remember, the only time it is permissible to refuse sex is when you BOTH agree to it.

Now, what do you do to correct this? COMMUNICATE. Stop acting like a manipulative five year old and speak to your husband. You are his WIFE and not a whore, act like it. Has he done something to upset you/sinned against you? As his wife, first, check yourself, repent and apologize if need be, pray for wisdom and then TALK with him. Are you not feeling well? As his wife, talk with him. Are you worn out from trying to manage life and home without his help? As his wife, TALK with him. Find a solution together. And then, when all is said and done, come together as the Lord commands, nourish your marriage with love and touch through the gift of pleasure that only married men and women can enjoy.

How To Be A GODLY Wife (Series): The "M" Word...Grown Women Only

1 Corinthians 7:1-5
New Living Translation (NLT)
Instruction on Marriage
7 Now regarding the questions you asked in your letter. Yes, it is good to abstain from sexual relations.[a] 2 But because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband.
3 The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. 4 The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.5 Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Disclaimer: IF YOU STRUGGLE WITH SEXUAL SIN, IF YOU ARE TRYING TO STAY CELIBATE AND SEX TALK AROUSES YOU PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS UNTIL YOU CAN PROPERLY, UNDER GOD, ENGAGE IN THIS ACTIVITY. 

Ok, so this post is specifically about masturbation. I said last post that this was an extremely hot button (no pun intended) in the Christian community. Before we get into it,  let’s look at some definitions first. These are taken from Strong’s Concordance and Dictionary. If it has an “H” in front of the number, it is a Hebrew word, and can be found in the Old Testament. If it has a “G” – it is Greek, and can be found in the New. We will look at the definition of "fornication" because it is mostly taught that masturbation is a form of fornication.

These are all the original words found in the bible for “Fornication”.
Strong's H2181 – Zana - to commit fornication, be a harlot, play the harlot
a) (Qal)
1) to be a harlot, act as a harlot, commit fornication
2) to commit adultery
3) to be a cult prostitute
4) to be unfaithful (to God) (fig.)
b) (Pual) to play the harlot
c) (Hiphil)
1) to cause to commit adultery
2) to force into prostitution
3) to commit fornication

Strong's H8457 – taznuwth - 1) fornication, harlotry
Strong's G4202 – porneia 1) illicit sexual intercourse
a) adultery, fornication, homosexuality, lesbianism, intercourse with animals etc.
b) sexual intercourse with close relatives; Lev. 18
c) sexual intercourse with a divorced man or woman; Mk. 10:11,12
2) metaph. the worship of idols
a) of the defilement of idolatry, as incurred by eating the sacrifices offered to idols

Strong's G4203 – porneuō
1) to prostitute one's body to the lust of another
2) to give one's self to unlawful sexual intercourse
a) to commit fornication
3) metaph. to be given to idolatry, to worship idols
a) to permit one's self to be drawn away by another into idolatry

So, now we have to understand under which definition does masturbation fall? At BEST, I can say that it would fall under the definition of G4202 or G4203.2 – but this doesn't explain why  masturbation is considered a “sexual sin”. 

We can look at this “problem” in two ways – physically (what masturbation does to your mind and body physically and mentally) or we can look at it spiritually….let’s take a look at some verses, but first we must agree on this one biblical truth: satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy – not only the physical body (he knows that won’t last for long) but your eternal spirit – which is why he tries to keep as many people away from God as possible. Right? And we must agree that he is the enemy of God and God’s Spirit....if we can agree on that, then we can go further.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 New Living Translation (NLT)19 Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, 20 for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.

This scripture is being spoken to believers at the time of the broken church of Corinth. I know that may not mean much to you, but it’s significant. The Church of Corinth sat in a hot bed of paganism where sexual immorality was as normal as eating chicken for Sunday dinner. Here, Paul is reminding us (you will need to read v.12-20 to get it all in context) that our bodies were bought for a ransom, they are not our own and belong to God because of Christ’s sacrifice. He would not have us to “defile” our bodies (remember this for later) because now that they belong to Him, the Holy Spirit dwells there.

Ok, let’s jump back for some thousands of years to the prophet Isaiah…..

Is 34:14 14 The wild beasts of the desert shall also meet with the wild beasts of the island, and the satyr shall cry to his fellow; the screech owl also shall rest there, and find for herself a place of rest.

There is an important word there “screech owl”. Let’s look at this a little deeper:
The definition for this is: Strong's H3917 – liyliyth - 1) "Lilith", name of a female goddess known as a night demon who haunts the desolate places of Edom

Lilith

Those who follow the false religion of Jewish Kaballah (not to be confused with the Jews of the bible) believed there is a spirit – Lilith who is very sexual in nature. Her goal? Defile men while they sleep. Many men (and women in fact) have encountered that spirit. I know of two personally. They don’t know each other, but have described the same scenario. You may have heard it as well. Sleeping when you are awakened by a pressure or choking sensation. You can’t move, scream or anything, and you see a demon of some sort sitting on your chest, often being very aggressive. Or sometimes having very illicit sexual dreams. This would be that demon. The doors that let her in are rebellion and sexual doors – the very things that God tells us to stay away from. You may have also heard of the term “succubus”. The male version, which is also very real, is incubus. You have heard of the Nephilim, as described in the book of Genesis 6:1-8 and Jude v6? These beings were created the same way that the incubus and succubus work today, except, there is no “real” procreation happening now. I know, it sounds crazy, but it happens. I would urge you to do more research on the subject. You can start with the link above and as always check against scripture.

Ok, so let’s bring it on in….it is of belief, because of what I have just shown, that masturbation is a sexual encounter with demonic influence. That through masturbation, a sexual act without a physical partner, you are actually being sexually stimulated through demonic activity.

THAT IS JUST ONE belief, and for some, it is very real….I will now give you MY belief….
We have already established that God wants our bodies not to be defiled right? (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)
Well, God also calls for us to have self-control:  

Galatians 5:22-24 New Living Translation (NLT)22 But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there.

God also tells us about our “imaginations” and thoughts right? 

2 Corinthians 10:4-5 King James Version (KJV)4 (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;)5 Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;

Philippians 4:8 (KJV)Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

AND God also warns us about lust:

Matthew 5:28But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. <--Here we see God’s commandment go from “thou shalt not commit adultery” to even THINKING about doing it is considered adultery. This verse (had Jesus been talking to women at the time) could have easily substituted man for woman.

Romans 1:24King James Version (KJV)24 Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonor their own bodies between themselves: <--remember the defiling (dishonor) we mentioned earlier?

*Also, look up: Romans 6:12 about lust.

Ok, so now we have established our thinking right? So, let’s ask ourselves, honestly….what is one thinking about when one masturbates? Are they noble thoughts? Are they lustful thoughts? If they are lustful, what are we doing to our bodies with the thought AND acting OUT that thought to get that gratification? What happens when that “feeling” to do it comes? Are you able to have the self-control that God speaks of or do we fulfill the desires of our flesh?

See, after taking this approach, we see the sin is not or “not just” about fornication. The sin is the abuse and defilement of the temple - God’s temple that He has set aside for His purpose, and allowing satan to influence your thoughts thereby influencing you to dishonor God with your body. This means that each time that you masturbate, you are gratifying yourself, but actually allowing satan to use you for an all out assault on the very God you say you love. 

And that's just the spiritual implications. Let's look at the physical. There are other implications of masturbation too…one to think about when one becomes a wife… The world has destroyed so many marriages because of this. So let’s talk about that for a minute.

We agree, that part of healthy marriage is healthy sexual activity with husband and wife. It is not a major part for marriage (for some it is, but for most it’s not – and that’s ok), but it is important none the less. As a wife, we learned yesterday that it is our job to both please and be pleased during our activity with our husband. Here is where masturbation can destroy this pleasure and connect with our husbands.

During masturbation, we get both mentally and physically used to how WE make OURSELVES feel. We get use to OUR rhythm, OUR pressure, OUR mental images/thoughts and connections. It becomes both a pattern as well as “necessity” in order for us to “enjoy” ourselves. This creates a barrier because now that our bodies are used to our own physical touch and mental image, nothing else really can "do it" like we can. So, when our husbands try to stimulate us, for some “it’s just not the same”.  We don’t reach maximum pleasure like we would with ourselves because our bodies are now trained to only reach it with how WE do it.

This in turn can cause major conflict in our marriage. Our husbands want to please us, and when they can’t one of two things begin to happen:

1. To help with their ego – we fake it. Leaving us unsatisfied and after a while becoming resentful. Therefore we repeat the masturbation cycle because we feel we can’t “get there” any other way.
2. He becomes resentful and feels rejected - as if he isn't enough to please you. He begins to doubt himself and leaves himself open emotionally for the next woman that makes him “feel manly”.

The sad thing is, the world has made it become “normal”…writing books even to children as young as six (starting that bondage early making it more entrenched and harder to break free from) telling them that it is ok to “explore” their bodies – even to the point of explaining how “some people do it”. We have “sex therapists” on TV explaining to women that you must learn how to please yourself first otherwise you won’t know what feels good.

Let’s look at that subtle lie. If you've never been touched, and you allow your husband to be the first to touch you – um, yes, his touch mixed with your love for him will obviously make you feel good. If it doesn't, he loves you enough to ask and hopefully you know how to communicate what you *think* you need. The whole point is to have fun exploring each other. But if you believe that lie, you have taken away the fun, the excitement, and are now a sergeant demanding him to do things “your way” because you have already explored that territory – where’s the fun for him?

So, all in all this whole masturbation thing is a doozy. Not only is it a sin against the body and God, but it is in the long run detrimental to the marriage bed.  If you are a non-married woman, and are actively engaged in this activity, I highly suggest that you seek the Lord to break free. Do it now so that you can enjoy your husband the way God intended – so that you can retrain your brain to love the touch of your husband, most importantly so that you can stop sinning against your body and God.

If you are a wife and find yourself in this behavior, I urge you to do the things above, but I also urge you to ask yourself WHY? Why are you doing this? Is it something that you aren't getting from your husband? What are your expectations? COMMUNICATE this wit him – and DON’T do it in the middle of your intimate time and DON’T do it when your husband is already stressed. Pray and use wisdom on when and how to bring up this delicate subject. Be honest and also use compassion for his feelings in all of this as well. You husband WANTS to please you – give him the chance to do so.

Ok, I think that’s it and more than enough for this subject ladies….what do you think?

How To Be A GODLY Wife (Series): The Other "S" Word...Grown Women Only.

1 Corinthians 7:1-5
New Living Translation (NLT)
Instruction on Marriage
7 Now regarding the questions you asked in your letter. Yes, it is good to abstain from sexual relations.[a] 2 But because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband.
3 The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. 4 The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.
5 Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.


I was gonna wait for a little while before diving into this subject. But, I figured, why not? I mean hey, I’m sure someone was wondering and there’s no use in ignoring the matter – I mean, we’re all grown right? Now, here is where I give my “gentle ears and eyes” declaration. IF YOU STRUGGLE WITH SEXUAL SIN, IF YOU ARE TRYING TO STAY CELIBATE AND SEX TALK AROUSES YOU PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS UNTIL YOU CAN PROPERLY, UNDER GOD, ENGAGE IN THIS ACTIVITY. There, I said it. If you are going to have problems, these next few posts will not be the posts for you. Come back to it later.

Now, on with the show. In the next three writings, I’m going to talk about 3 things that have been “plaguing” the Christian community. First, we will just go ahead and get oral sex out of the way. Second, we will discuss masturbation. Last, we will talk about the sin of “with holding” sex. I’m not going to get into anything else because frankly, we are all grown and we all know how sex works.  We all also know that sex is suppose to be between MARRIED MEN and WOMEN – nothing more, nothing less. There is no allowance for threesomes, no homosexual sex, no fornication. There is no allowance for rape between a husband and wife. And since we know that, we won’t discuss it. And if we DON’T know that…well….frankly, now you do and you need to do further biblical research.

So, let’s jump on the proverbial horse and get started shall we?

Oral Sex. This has been a huge hot topic lately. Frankly, I don’t understand why. There are many pastors/preachers/Christians that will condemn a married couple for pleasing each other how they see fit. Here’s my personal opinion – Three’s a crowd. You married your husband, not your husband and your pastor et al. Here’s my wisdom - Think of it this way, while you are trying to please your pastor and his opinion, you are now depriving your OWN husband (1 Cor. 7:2) of fulfilling HIS needs (1 Cor. 7:3) causing what could be frustration and angst in your own marriage. All the while, your pastor is doing God knows what with his wife to make her happy, swinging from the chandeliers in pink underwear and such that you don’t know about. To be honest, there is NOTHING condemning married people in the bible for having oral sex. To not do it is a matter of preference. To engage in it is also preference. You are not a bad person or have a bad marriage either way. Many people would consider it perverted and vile – even homosexual behavior. And to them, I say – be careful of how you speak of your Creator. For, oral sex is plainly talked about in the bible as a beautiful thing. And to call that perverted is to call God perverted….are you ready to answer for that? Let’s explore….

Song of Solomon 1:12
New Living Translation (NLT)
Young Woman
12 The king is lying on his couch, enchanted by the fragrance of my perfume.
(here is a hint, she is not talking about Chanel #5)

Song of Solomon 2:3
New Living Translation (NLT)
Young Woman
3 Like the finest apple tree in the orchard is my lover among other young men.
I sit in his delightful shade and taste his delicious fruit.
(If you are sitting in someone’s shade, you are more than likely beneath them. Aaaaand, I don’t think that men literally grow fruit)

Song of Solomon 2:16
New Living Translation (NLT)
Young Woman
16 My lover is mine, and I am his. He browses among the lilies.
(Nope, not those kind of lilies – that wouldn’t even make sense.)

Song of Solomon 4:16
New Living Translation (NLT)
Young Woman
16 Awake, north wind! Rise up, south wind! Blow on my garden and spread its fragrance all around. Come into your garden, my love taste its finest fruits.
(Nope, not talking about the act of pollination)

Song of Solomon 8:2
New Living Translation (NLT)
2 I would bring you to my childhood home, and there you would teach me.[a] I would give you spiced wine to drink,my sweet pomegranate wine.
(Well, there you have it.)

Now, let’s understand, this is poetry from one lover to the other, so it won’t be “raunchy” like the latest Zane novel. But you do get the point. Euphemisms abound in this book full of love, passion, and erotic wantings.

So, you see, God never condemned oral sex. In fact, if He did, we wouldn't be allowed to kiss our husbands, to nibble on their ear, to suck their neck, or what ever else you chose to do to them with your mouths. Simply, to not do it is just a matter of personal preference. But, may I mind you, that this is something that you and your husband should BOTH feel comfortable with. Yes, the bible does say that your body no longer belongs to you and his no longer belongs to him. But what “fun” is being intimate if either of you are uncomfortable? Whatever you decide as a couple, make sure that you pray and seek the Lord about it first. He is the only one that should be allowed in your bedroom – not your pastor or other outside influences.

Let’s discuss!!

How To Be A GODLY Wife (Series): It Really Is The Inside That Counts - To A Godly Man

1 Peter 3:1-6
New Living Translation (NLT)

3 In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over 2 by observing your pure and reverent lives.
3 Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. 4 You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. 5 This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They trusted God and accepted the authority of their husbands. 6 For instance, Sarah obeyed her husband, Abraham, and called him her master. You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear of what your husbands might do.

Well, these verses are self-explanatory. I would really just like to leave it at this but, there’s some ‘splainin’ ta do Luuuucyyy (reference to I Love Lucy) as related to this day and time.

Let’s do a quick comparison of “then” and “now”. Today there is so much emphasis on LOOKING perfect. The pressure is really on for women. There is even more pressure on wives, from the perky girl next door to porn. How often do we hear of wives “letting themselves go” after marriage? Or men being turned on by other women while married, so the wife feels pressure to compete…and if she can’t, she often turns on herself in depression?

The world is so inverted! The word clearly tells us women to NOT be concerned with outward appearances – spending money we don’t have on clothes, hair, nails, jewelry that can cause more problems in the marriage because of the money spent – but to be more concerned with our heart conditions. The Lord desires for us to have a gentle and quiet spirit – He doesn’t care how we look. But we have let society turn our heads from the desire of the Lord and serve the lustful appetite of men and other women (let’s be real, we go out to get the “perfect” outfit to show off for other women more than we do to attract a suitable male and godly mate).

Here’s the truth of the matter. When we focus on our “outside” we will attract a mate that is concerned and focuses on our outside. But remember, that’s false advertising b/c eventually, that outside will fade – and so will his admiration if that’s how you “hooked” him. But if you have attracted your mate b/c of your gentle spirit, your wit, your compassion and love for all things righteous – that never fades and as long as you are following Christ, it will only get stronger, which will attract him all the more. Makes sense right?

And let’s quickly talk about being gentle for a moment. Let’s go a little bit further down. Verse seven says:

7 In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.

Other versions say:

7 In the same way you married men should live considerately with [your wives], with an [c]intelligent recognition [of the marriage relation], honoring the woman as [physically] the weaker, but [realizing that you] are joint heirs of the grace (God’s unmerited favor) of life, in order that your prayers may not be hindered and cut off. [Otherwise you cannot pray effectively. (Amp)

Do you noticed that God call us the “weaker” of the two sexes? What has the world done?

• Girl Power
• Who Runs the World? GIRLS!
• You’re Gonna Hear Me Roar
• I Don’t Know, Ask Your Mom
• Women Pastors (ooops, that’s another discussion)
• The Feminist Movement




Inverted the word again hunh? We are called weaker because we ARE to have a gentle spirit. The Lord wanted us this way b/c you need a gentle spirit to be a nurturer – which is why WE are the ones who were charged with labor and children. You NEED a gentle spirit to counterbalance the male’s natural need to lead. Do you want to emasculate your husband and cause problems in your marriage? Then I suggest that you leave your gentle spirit behind and take over the male role. Believe the lies of those bullet points above and try and run your house. Be loud, abusive, inconsiderate, brash, and bring him shame in public. That’s a quick way to make things go sour. But crazy enough, it’s what the world tells us women that’s what it takes to be “strong”.

“But Deidra, I just don’t trust my husband-to-be to ‘handle business’ or make decisions”

This really should have been discussed in the “S word” blog, but it fits here too. If you don’t trust your husband-to-be to be a man, I will tell you this: I don’t care how much planning you have done, how many people are coming to the wedding, how much money you have spent, and how cute he and your dress are, STOP, right now, STOP. Don’t make the commitment until you are sure he will step up and allow you to be the gentle spirit that you need to be and you can allow him to be the husband that God has called him to be. It will save a lot of heart ache later.

Ladies, if you are already married – you should have been wiser in your selection of a mate. You chose to marry him and these traits didn’t just start. So, the only answer now is to turn directly to God and fast and pray. Ask God how to start righting this ship that will sink without correction. And be WILLING to do what He (God the Father in Heaven) says….yes, which may even be “be gentle when your attitude feels the need to be brash”.

 You know, black women for a long time – and even now – had a serious problem with black men dating outside “their race”. But do you know what I have found? Many of the women that these men choose, have

a gentle spirit. The man FEELS like a man in the relationship and not a boy with a momma telling him what to do. Instead of cutting eyes, smacking lips, rotating necks, and huffin and puffin under your breath, learning to be gentle in spirit and how to let a man lead is something that women of ALL ethnicities can learn. You want a man, act like a lady. And no, you don’t need to “think like a man” either. Y’all better stop listening to Steve Harvey who is on his second marriage! Simply turn to the scriptures and pray that God will change your heart so that you will understand what it means to be meek and gentle spirited woman. And before you start catching feelings, no, I am not bashing black women and putting others on a pedestal. I'm just pointing out deficiencies that I have noticed in my experience with women and their harsh attitudes.

Again, this is not a “be a doormat” post. I am NOT advocating that – and neither is the bible. In fact, it says further in verse seven that we are our husband’s equals when it comes to the grace of God, and the man/husband needs to understand that as well.

What this is a call for, is to get back to the women of old. Women who understood what it was to be a woman. It wasn't about the fancy expensive clothes, shoes, jewelry, makeup and hair. It was about the attitude of a HELP meet, the attitude of a servant (not slave), and attitude of honoring their men and their roles of the relationship and an attitude of knowing how to “stay in your lane”. If we can do that, and if men learn their part from other wise and godly married men, we might just save marriages (and we won’t have to fight for a definition).

Let’s discuss!

How To Be A GODLY Wife (Series): SHOES!!! .....To Fill.

Ephesians 5:25-30
New Living Translation (NLT)
25 For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her 26 to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word.[a] 27 He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. 28 In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. 29 No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. 30 And we are members of his body.

We’re still driving down the “Godly Wife” road. Our journey is near over and I hope that we all have learned something. This passage brings home the point of how wives are again “to be”. There’s no clearer comparison of what the Lord expects than this passage. Let’s explore!

I’m going to take you back to English class for a moment. Remember we used to do analogies?

Dog is to Cat as Snake is to? Rat, right, rat!

Well lets look at the analogy made in this verse: Christ is to Husband as Church is to Wife! WOW, talk about big shoes to fill. Just as the husband is admonished to be like Christ in the way they care for us, if we flip that coin, we see that we as wives aught to be as the Church! What does that mean exactly? Well, if we are to be compared to the Church, Christ expects the Church to be:

• Holy
• Clean
• Without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish
• Without fault

Now, does this mean that we as wives will be perfect? Absolutely not. We will make mistakes. But guess what the Church does when it makes mistakes? We turn, repent, ask for forgiveness and NEVER do the offending thing again. The church does it with Christ, we do it within our relationship with our husband.

Anyway from these verses we see that the Lord expects us to carry ourselves a certain way. If our husbands are charged to give up their lives for us, they need to be confident that they will give their lives for a wife that is noble and trustworthy. They should know they have a wife that has a good reputation.  He should know he will lay down his life for a wife that he doesn't hear rumors about, or even a wife that he suspects is tipping out on him. If he is going to give his life for his wife, I would expect that he would know that he is giving up his life for a wife that is honorable and untainted and most importantly, a wife that belongs to only him and her heart belongs to no one else.

After all, that is what the TRUE church is all about. A church that is loyal to Christ alone and doesn't run after the false gods and promises of this world. The TRUE church is the one that can stand before Him unashamed because they have done ALL that He has asked with a servants heart, they have separated themselves from the things of this world and have chosen to live holy and blameless.

Wow, what a comparison. What shoes to fill. What a privileged and honor to be called, a wife!

So, all of you new wives, new wives to be and even old wives – take a look at yourself and see if you can fit this:

Proverbs 31:10-12

New Living Translation (NLT)

A Wife of Noble Character
10 [a]Who can find a virtuous and capable wife?
    She is more precious than rubies.
11 Her husband can trust her,
    and she will greatly enrich his life.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
    all the days of her life.

Amen.